Three weeks since I've been home. Wonderful. And I have done absolutely nothing. Expect maybe order my Med Term book. Which I haven't really opened yet. Ugh. Life sucks here.
It seems to be that my youtube craze is calming. But that's only because I have nothing to talk about. Or don't really want to talk about things for all to see, in my most vulnerable state. I want to talk about meaningful things, not just how my day was, and the rest of the video filled with silence and/or "ums." That sucks. I wouldn't want to watch a video like that. We will see. I want to record myself playing "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds and singing it if I can, but I haven't quite mastered the rhythm of the singing part to go along with the piano. Oh well.
Well I need a job. I cannot be staying at home in my tornado-strucken room. I've applied to many places. CVS has fucked me over, to say in the best way. Yeah. I could've gotten a position as a Pharm Tech at Deborah, however, they were looking for someone who was able to work year-round. Obviously I can't do that because I go to school in Boston. Yeah. So they hired someone else. Funny though, the lady told me 2 other applicants were in the same position as me, where they do not go to school in the area, but was applying for the Pharm Tech position. Oh well. I got an e-mail from Walgreens saying they were interested and junk, however, I've called the woman back twice already and left voicemails, and e-mailed back, but no response yet. And nothing back from Acme yet. I just applied to Walmart and Shoprite.
It seems that I've gotten so used to the taste of failure that I don't even care what happens to me in the future. Seriously, I'm fat, unemployed, and contribute nothing to the world. All I do is stress my family out, and take their money and eat their food. Why am I alive?
Thanks.
And I believe that everything is stemmed from that faithful day during senior year, the first day I ever deliberately cut school because it was the day after prom weekend. It was that day when I crashed my car and life spiraled down from there. I should've just gone home with Jackie and made everyone else smush into the other two cars. So since I didn't have a car, I didn't have a job the summer before I left for college. But then that's just my fault. Because why couldn't I just get a job where it was close enough to walk to... say Acme? Why? Why didn't I do it? Because I'm a fucking retard, that's why. Wonderful. So summer wasted. Yay.
Last summer, same reason. Didn't work. But again, why didn't I work at somewhere close? Again, because I'm a fucking retard. I see you're catching on to the pattern. Congrats to you. Instead I did the show with the Rancocas Interfaith Players, until the beginning of August.
I SUCK AT LIFE.
And now I feel that I am so behind everyone else, because during those times that I was dilly dallying and wasting time at home, sleeping, eating, getting fatter, everyone else was building their foundations for what they have - for what I wish I had now. Pharmacy technician positions at hospitals, pharmacies, wherever, where I'm stuck at ground zero. Woo.
This also goes back to my performance in high school. Why the hell did I slack so much? I could've gotten A's and had a job when I was in high school. It seems like high school was NOTHING compared to my college, which shouldn't have been. I only felt like it was because I simply procrastinated and slacked, mind you I did finish all my work. However, I feel like if I just did not slack, high school would have been a breeze. And then I could've found a job, even just for the weekends or something. Instead I was a fat slob of whom I still am, with no job experience whatsoever. I don't think newspaper carrier "paper boy" counts for anything.
And so I'm left with all these regrets and mistakes that I have made. It sucks that I have only grown up right now. After two years of college. After everyone has been there for years and I'm just arriving.
The only thing I can do now is just accept it and do whatever I can to catch up with the others. And to just swallow whatever life throws at me and just do it.
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