It's Getting Closer

As each day passes, I can feel the days of classes coming closer (as you can see by my counter at the top of my blog). I can really feel the fall weather coming along. 

So last week I was in Wildwood, New Jersey with my sister, mom, dad, and my two cousins. My dad was only there for a couple of days, and my cousins did not come until the middle of the week.

All in all, it was fun. I freaking love the shore. I love the beach. I could just sit there on the sand all day (with that umbrella and sunblock, haha) and listen to the sounds of the waves, seagulls, and children laughing. I just love it.

Unfortunately, I did get somewhat burned. It was not bad though. I am, however, peeling on my upper arms and back. Yucky. But I am a golden color. Jealous? Haha.

Also, anyone watching the Olympics?! I heart swimming and gymnastics. I won't post any results, just in case you haven't seen it yet.

Hm. I still have to buy one more textbook. I should do that tomorrow morning. That's another $70. Sweet. I should get to bed.

And I'm really feeling my new song on here, "Please forgive me" by David Gray. It suits how I am feeling right now, in a sort of limbo, if you will.

So I'm trying to get on a track of healthy lifestyle and eating. Because I really believe I have the potential to become healthy. I just need to really discipline myself and do what I have to to achieve what I want to see in myself. I'll get there.

I can't believe I'm going to be a 4th year. Then again, everyone I graduated high school with will be graduating this year. 2009. I'm 2011. It'll be worth it in the end. I cannot wait.

Time is just flying by so fast.

Anyway, looks like I have ADHD right now with my typing. I haven't really blogged in a while.

PS. my camera (my sister's old one) died on me when we were at the shore! Ugh. I don't know what to do. I'm going to have to break out my 1.3Mb Olympus from 2001. Sweet son.

Drink lots of water, start taking the stairs all the time again, do my work workbook, start reviewing my biochemistry, finish reading that book before summer is over, laundry, organize, clean clean clean. The list goes on.

Goodnight.

And if you haven't seen something called Dr. Horrible yet, google. Or just go to http://hulu.com/drhorrible and you'll be redirected to watch the whole show.

Emoagro? What does that even mean?

Why can't someone just give me all the answers - to life, to love, to health, to relationships, to friendships, to everything? I feel like everything would be so much easier... then again, I wouldn't grow at all and I'd probably end up stuck up, alone, and everyone hating me... Hmm.

But still, I just feel like "why can't things just be easier?" and "Why is life so hard?" These are the questions everyone is asking, and no one can answer it except for themselves. For truth.

I still need to fix things with a certain special someone. I need to do my part. I need to call my friends back. I need to get up on my drug cards. I need to go running. I just want to be happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? And I just want everyone else in my life to be happy as well. Because when they aren't happy, I surely am not...

I want to be successful at everything I do. To try my best, and if I don't succeed, it's not the end of the world - I would just have to get up on that horse and ride again towards the sun...

Life Sucks!

Not totally. I just got back from my interview. And I was like a shoe-in to the lady, Louise. However, they were only looking for a local person to work in the pharmacy. Just like what happened to me with Deborah. Ugh. I understand though, they said it takes about 3 months to train.

My interview went well. She asked me situational questions which required me to bring up past situations where I exhibited those characteristics. Like "explain a situation where you had to work fast but still keep high quality," or "explain how you worked in a team," etc. That part went well.

But yeah, she kept saying it was a shame that I won't be here in the fall because she'd take me in a second.

Whhyyyyy does my life suck? AHHH.

So instead I updated my application to include Cashier and Cart Pusher/Greeter. Oh man.

Hopefully I'll get cashier so I can get that experience.

DAMN I would definitely have that pharm tech job if I wasn't leaving.

BLAH.

Oh Love...

Lordy Lord, I hate watching romantic movies but I do love them. I hate watching because then it only makes me wish I had that. I'm such a hopeless romantic. It's so sad. Yeah I just watched Adam & Steve. It was a good movie... I wish I had a guy.

Anyway, I can keep those sob stories and thoughts to myself. Let me tell you about what I've been doing.

So yesterday, I stayed over in Atlantic City with my family and Monette. It was good times. We mainly boardwalked it. Yup. Went to the new Pier Shops area or whatever it's called. Some nice stores in there... there's an Apple Store! How awesome?! Haha, I'm such a dork. Well yeah we came back today and such and then we picked up Mariel and then headed to the movies to watch an effed up movie, Mr. Brooks. Hah it was good, but seriously crazy. I recommend it if you like thrillers/suspense/WEIRD movies. Like me. Hah.

So tomorrow I work from 10-4 and then after it's the Two Hearts thing at Sacred Heart. Yeah. I have to wear red.

Which brings me to the "I HATE BEING FAT" point of the entry. Haha. You knew it was coming. Ugh I really wish I was skinny. Maybe then I'd have a better chance to find someone. Whatever, I just need to keep on at it and really commit. I need to change before I go back to Boston. There are some hot guys in the city, LOL.

So after the movies, I hung out with Jackie. We went to the Burl Co Lib to watch the Swan Lake performance in the ampitheater... except it was moved inside for some reason? I didn't catch the reason why. But it was nice. Lots of elderly enjoying the two hot young guys and three hot girls. Haha. Yeah.

Then we hit up the DVDs and I got some movies, including Adam & Steve. I was lucky to find it. I'm adding it to my collection, if you know what I mean. Yeah. ;D

And then we headed to the Burlington Center, walked around for a couple, then went to Wawa for some F'REAL! milkshakes. YUM.

Sweet.

Damn I wish I was skinny.

Anyway, just a quick update before I head off to bed, I need sleep...

And I just wanted to say, I'm glad I'm working. No more of these really late nights (i.e. 4am) doing absolutely nothing. I have reason to sleep, haha, which is good. Working at the Q! really isn't that bad. I just wish I knew how much I was being paid, and when I'll be getting my first paycheck. Maybe I'll ask tomorrow. Yeah. And I definitely think I like the morning shift better than nighttime/close shift. Mmhmm.

Goodnight, I'm going to try and clean my room before I head to bed.

And I have another unrealistic "want." Leopard comes out in October, so I want to try and get a Mac over winter break of next year. Yeah I know, it'll never happen. I just wish.

I also need to keep in mind that I need to find a job in Boston, preferably a PHARMACY TECH job so I can start doing my internship hours - which reminds me I need to register... Bleh.

I'll leave you with the John Lennon song...

"Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved."

Goodnight!

New Outlook on Life

So finally I got a job working at Quizno's Subs in Burlington Center. Of course it's not a pharmacy technician position, but at least it's something. At least I'll be making money and doing something with my summer besides staying at home being a bum.

I also got a car - my sister got a new car, so they were nice enough to give me her old one. Hooray :)

I may have gotten the job because I know the people running it. They're Filipinos so I've known them for a long time. Right now I don't know how much I'll be getting an hour - I'm guessing minimum? But at this point I don't really care. I'll be making money - which I WILL be saving. It's time to get my life in order.

I've also started to study my Med Terms. Combining forms, word roots, prefixes and suffixes. Hooray.

I've learned to stop feeling sorry for myself and to just do what you need to do. I may be scared doing this stuff but they are things that I have to do. I guess part of it is because I am the youngest of my family and I'm sort of used to everyone doing the "hard things" for me, that I've shunned away from doing those things. But now it's a slap in the face now that it's right in front of me with no one to deal with it - but me. And all I can do is just face all the things thrown at me and sure I'll take it slow at first as I learn things, but I believe that I'll get through it.

I have confidence in myself that I can be a success, in all aspects of life. I just need to learn and give all my effort to do what I want to do, to be who I want to be.

It's Been 3 Weeks

Three weeks since I've been home. Wonderful. And I have done absolutely nothing. Expect maybe order my Med Term book. Which I haven't really opened yet. Ugh. Life sucks here.

It seems to be that my youtube craze is calming. But that's only because I have nothing to talk about. Or don't really want to talk about things for all to see, in my most vulnerable state. I want to talk about meaningful things, not just how my day was, and the rest of the video filled with silence and/or "ums." That sucks. I wouldn't want to watch a video like that. We will see. I want to record myself playing "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds and singing it if I can, but I haven't quite mastered the rhythm of the singing part to go along with the piano. Oh well.

Well I need a job. I cannot be staying at home in my tornado-strucken room. I've applied to many places. CVS has fucked me over, to say in the best way. Yeah. I could've gotten a position as a Pharm Tech at Deborah, however, they were looking for someone who was able to work year-round. Obviously I can't do that because I go to school in Boston. Yeah. So they hired someone else. Funny though, the lady told me 2 other applicants were in the same position as me, where they do not go to school in the area, but was applying for the Pharm Tech position. Oh well. I got an e-mail from Walgreens saying they were interested and junk, however, I've called the woman back twice already and left voicemails, and e-mailed back, but no response yet. And nothing back from Acme yet. I just applied to Walmart and Shoprite.

It seems that I've gotten so used to the taste of failure that I don't even care what happens to me in the future. Seriously, I'm fat, unemployed, and contribute nothing to the world. All I do is stress my family out, and take their money and eat their food. Why am I alive?

Thanks.

And I believe that everything is stemmed from that faithful day during senior year, the first day I ever deliberately cut school because it was the day after prom weekend. It was that day when I crashed my car and life spiraled down from there. I should've just gone home with Jackie and made everyone else smush into the other two cars. So since I didn't have a car, I didn't have a job the summer before I left for college. But then that's just my fault. Because why couldn't I just get a job where it was close enough to walk to... say Acme? Why? Why didn't I do it? Because I'm a fucking retard, that's why. Wonderful. So summer wasted. Yay.

Last summer, same reason. Didn't work. But again, why didn't I work at somewhere close? Again, because I'm a fucking retard. I see you're catching on to the pattern. Congrats to you. Instead I did the show with the Rancocas Interfaith Players, until the beginning of August.

I SUCK AT LIFE.

And now I feel that I am so behind everyone else, because during those times that I was dilly dallying and wasting time at home, sleeping, eating, getting fatter, everyone else was building their foundations for what they have - for what I wish I had now. Pharmacy technician positions at hospitals, pharmacies, wherever, where I'm stuck at ground zero. Woo.

This also goes back to my performance in high school. Why the hell did I slack so much? I could've gotten A's and had a job when I was in high school. It seems like high school was NOTHING compared to my college, which shouldn't have been. I only felt like it was because I simply procrastinated and slacked, mind you I did finish all my work. However, I feel like if I just did not slack, high school would have been a breeze. And then I could've found a job, even just for the weekends or something. Instead I was a fat slob of whom I still am, with no job experience whatsoever. I don't think newspaper carrier "paper boy" counts for anything.

And so I'm left with all these regrets and mistakes that I have made. It sucks that I have only grown up right now. After two years of college. After everyone has been there for years and I'm just arriving.

The only thing I can do now is just accept it and do whatever I can to catch up with the others. And to just swallow whatever life throws at me and just do it.