This Blows

I've been living a lonely life. For about 22 years. I am 22. And I've never felt so alone than right now.

I guess this is what I always wanted. Living in the city in my own apartment, free to do whatever I pleased. It's just not bringing me the happiness I thought it would. It doesn't work if you're just one person. Sure, I have friends. But they're not always around, or always want to hang out. They have their own lives. It's sad that I think that I can't just interrupt what they're doing and just drop in. Shouldn't I be able to do that?

Well here I am, just about 2 weeks out of 4th year, sitting in my kitchen, with these crappy home made chicken strips (thanks Betty Crocker) and attempting to read a long-time unfinished book. I figure I should just take up these fun-for-one activities because that's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life.

I haven't even gone home yet. It's because of the stupid H1N1 (formerly known as Swine) flu. But at this point, I don't care. However, now I'm book at work for the next two weeks. So I think I'm going to ask for off sometime during that first week of June.

I'm just so bored with myself. I've come to the realization that if I were to ever end up on a deserted island by myself, I would go crazy and create myself some new "friends." So what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm the sort of person that just needs people in his life constantly. I'm in a difficult place right now.

And the loneliness just isn't helping.

I could write a lot of other stuff, but I don't want anyone who stumbles upon this to be too concerned.

Le sigh.

Battling the Demons Within

Wow, have I dug myself in a rutt lately. There are so many things on my mind. And I can't even being to formulate them into words. To put it into layman's terms: I think I'm crazy. Plain and simple. That's all. Depressed and crazy. Bi-polar type II.

I guess its just fitting that my relationships with people have been dwindling. I'm doing them a favor for them, giving them the option NOT to see me in my future disease state(s).

Finals are coming next week, and oh boy, they're not helping the situation.

I need a therapist. Someone who will sit there, "listen" and have it go in one ear and out the other. But at least they won't feel awkward. They won't know me. I find that easier to bear. I could just talk and cry as much as I want to, for a pricey fee.

And I think the reason I've been so accident prone these past couple of months is because of this. My mind is pre-occupied with crazy.

I watch Susan Boyle on youtube. She made me cry. Unfortunately, it still wasn't the good cry I've been trying to have. I think it's just boiled over so much that when I do, I feel that it will be such a disaster. Only I should be present, in consideration for the safety of others.

At least I know that no one will read this. I just have to get it out there. Keeping it inside is just too unbearable.

Current song: I Grieve - Peter Gabriel

I'm Home.

I'm on spring break at home right now and I must say, it really sucks. I have done absolutely nothing. Maybe I should've just stayed in Boston and worked. At least I could've made some money and actually studied. I've only gotten a little bit of studying done while here. And I still have much more to do.

Anyway, I freaking hate it here because I can't play the piano when I want to. In the morning my mom is babysitting and so I cannot play it. Then when the baby leaves, my dad comes home and eats dinner in the kitchen. Again I can't play it. And then when I want to play it later at night, I can't because it's too late. Wtf. All I want is a digital keyboard so I can just stay in Boston and play real piano. That keyboard just isn't cutting it anymore. Ughhhhhh...

this is how i educate myself. with a damn podium and computer console right in front of the board

Someone reassure me?

I have this uneasy feeling where things just won't go as I hope. For example: academia.

I hope I did okay on the Pharmacology exam. And Virology and Pharmacokinetics just don't seem to be getting impressed in my brain.

It was bad enough one of my colleagues approached myself and two others and asked, "Did you guys get the email for Rho Chi (Honor Society)?" And we all just sat there and were like... .... And he responded with "Oh I thought at least one of you would get in it." And we responded back with "Nope just you!"

Sad. At this point, I just want to pass but still be able to be a great pharmacist. I don't want to be one of those horrible pharmacists... I just have to get through this. Someone reassure me?

hahaa this is prehaircut.

i dunno 2 weeks ago. gah. im so bored.

and alone.

ive accepted my fate.

Back into the Swing of Things

I am back in Boston. I came back on the 3rd and worked all of last week. It was really busy and bad. I don't understand it.

Classes have started. They seem really fun. Not! I need to keep up on things and not fall off the wagon. No slacking. I'm scared. Why can't I get good enough grades to get on the Dean's List? Ughh.

I also need to get my apartment organized, keep up on my diet, and find a new place to live for September! I can't be paying this ~$1200 thing anymore! I'm so broke it's not enough funny. Blah.

Anyway, I have to go finish my laundry, study, clean, do some exercises, and study some more.

Cheers.

PS. I still feel lost.

2008: It was One Eventful Year

So it's that time again. The obligatory end-of-year blog to reflect on all of the year's past events. It's been one heck of a ride, I must say. I don't even know where to start. Let's see.

Sometime in February: I got drunk with Justine and Welley at my apartment and I turned out to be a hot mess. They were playing with me the whole time while I was purring and crawling on the floor. I have pictures, but Lord knows they will not see the light of day. Thanks W and J.

April: I got the job at CVS/Pharmacy and my 21st birthday. We had a small gathering at Kristine (and Omar)'s apartment. It was a black and white affair, attempting to emulate the Upper East Side. Didn't work out so well. But Daniela from chorus came! So that was fun.

May: Finals and ending of school. Then I just worked like crazy. Also, Missy's birthday in NYC.  That was fun.

June: Experienced Pride w/ Welley for the first time in Boston. That was fun. Plans didn't go down as expected but still had a blast.

July: The family came up to visit and bring me goodies! We didn't really do much of anything, unfortunately. It was crazy hot and the weather was being temperamental (it was going to rain).

August: I was in Boston half of the month and in NJ the other half. First week went home to go on vacation to Wildwood with the cousins. Then went back for 2 weeks to work, then the last week before school started, we went to Virginia with the Grupicos. That was fun. Except I gained a whole lot of weight during August...

September: I arrived back in Boston ~30lbs heavier than I currently am. I could not fit into my jeans and my shirts were getting tighter. That's when the diet started. And other issues...

October - December: including September, it was all school, studying, chorus (but only half of the semester), and working every Saturday. There were birthdays, including Brigitte and Alejandro's that were fun outings. December, I worked until the 20th; then I came home on the 21st. 

And now I'm here. Right now, I feel depressed. I don't know. I'm drinking that Three Olives Cherry Vodka + Sprite right now because of that. I don't know what I'm doing tonight.

I haven't even seen any of my friends from home yet. And I'm supposed to be leaving Saturday. I'm such a bad friend. I'm just not feeling Jersey anymore.

And I feel like I'm just alone. And I don't want to bother anyone with my problems, because that's what I feel like I'm doing: is just bothering them with my problems that they don't want to hear about. I don't know. I'm lost.

Happy New Year 2009. I hope it's a good one for the rest of you.

Cheers.

Wow, it's been a while.

So it's been a while since I've posted a blog. Let's get up to speed.

I went home for Thanksgiving break and I got a MacBook. I love it. Came back to Boston, finished the last week of classes and then finals. Those really sucked. I did horrible on all of them. I did, however, pass all of my classes. I don't know if I'll get to keep my scholarship. We'll see I guess. :(

Anyway, that's all. It's almost 2009. I have a feeling that this is THE year. To find myself, to achieve my goals, to find someone. I have a feeling.

Alicia Key's "Prelude to a Kiss" pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now. In all aspects of life.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere

and it's gonna take so long for me to get somewhere

sometimes i feel so heavy hearted

but I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded

but that's a lonely road to travel

and a heavy load to bear

and it's a long, long way to heaven

but I gotta get there

can you send an angel?

can you send me an angel to guide me?"

So that is how I'm feeling.

Off to bed.

I worked from 2-10 tonight.

Work again tomorrow, 2-8. Friday 4-10. Saturday 10-6.

Home on Sunday morning? I think so...

Violin, MacBook, clothes...

I feel empty. Getting a taste of what I want and then having it taken away just makes me feel worse.

This was yesterday studying at a plethora of places. This was in the morning at starbucks. mmm. So anyway I have my exam at 8 and I'm studying now. goodbye. What's left: journal club, then finals. Possibly getting a new macbook? my brother got the new macbook pro!

Things are going downhill

I don't know what's wrong. I guess I'm definitely not trying hard enough? I don't know. I did really bad on the last two exams. And I'm still waiting on the (also probably horrible) results for the last two tests that I've taken. I have an exam in Med Chem on Monday, journal club on Wed, and Biotech exam on Thurs.

I just need to keep my chin up... and start letting the notion of me repeating a year get into my head.

Mer.

I had off today. But class tomorrow. Meeting with my Journal Club group. Plus class. Journal club Wednesday. Working Saturday. Orchestra Thursday. Biotech exam Tues, Drug Lit midterm Wed, and Pcol exam Thurs. SWEET. I love my life.

I Know What I Need to Do

I have to become excited and hopeful. No more of this "down in the dumps" crap. I should want to learn about all of this stuff. I mean, that's why I'm in school correct? To become a pharmacist and learn everything that entails in the professions?

Can I Do It?

Can I prove to myself that I can do it? By doing everything on the path that has to get done? All the little things count... Can I pull myself out of this hole that I fell in?

Blah

CHRISTMAS ON THE BRAIN. ugh.

I wanna up and go to nyc for the day.

drunk

i love it when a drink is spilled on me

Hennes & Mauritz Trip

It was a freaking rainy day. Yet I made a little trip to Newbury. I finally got a "weekender" bag from H&M. It was a good price and I really like it. Here are some pics.

So anyway though, I have to study and clean my place, and work tomorrow from 8am-2pm. So I have to get up at like 6am tomorrow. Sweet.

The exam today sucked. Really sucked. I have another exam on Tuesday. I hate my school.

Chip on my Shoulder

So I guess my schedule is going to be 8-2 every Saturday. Fun times. At least the morning shift goes by quickly. And I don't have to do PCI... yet.

I have 2 exams next week and I really have to keep on the ball. I've been doing okay so far, but I'm doing stuff that should have been done a while back. We're going into our fourth week of school! Say what?!

Okay I'm going to go finish my Subway sandwich and listen to more lectures. I have a ton to get to.

So much for a social life.

Just Another Day

I had the chem exam today. That was alright I guess. I didn't get as high a score as I wanted, but it was alright I guess. It made me realize that I could have done so much better. And it's directly related to my studying. So it's really buckle down time. I have a Biotechnology exam Tuesday, a Drug Lit assignment due Wednesday, and a Pharmacology exam on Friday. And I'm working this Saturday 8am-2pm. That's ultra sweet, like chocolate.

Goodnight.

Gahh

I just took the Med Chem Exam. I already know I probably got a couple wrong. Mer. Stupid logical thinking. Oh well.

I'm supposed to go to tutoring now, but I've decided not to go. It's sort of a waste of my time. I have to do other things.

Okay well onto the long list of stuff to do.

P.S. I've decided to become nicer, meaning not making fun of others anymore, even though it is jokingly and we all know I'm kidding. And I'm trying not to curse anymore. It's bad for my health.

I'm Focusing Better

I need to remember and think about why I'm in pharmacy school. I need to succeed and do well. I do not want to disappoint my family. I want to be successful so I can help them. I cannot fail.

So I cannot worry about the little things. I have to focus better and be successful.

That is all. For my family.

P.S. Diet is going well, I suppose.

Studying

...is not going so well. Ugh. I really need to refocus or something. I have to just get down and do it! Note to self: buckle the eff down!!!

Med chem exam on Thursday. Two exams next week, and assignment due. Sweet. Work Saturday morning at 8. Even better. Hoorah.

I'm really going to go study. Bye.

Aw, didn't get to post one yesterday.

So we were supposed to go to the Back to School Party at Market, but we heard it sucked and it wasn't worth it going all the way out there. Plus we had 8am class this morning. So we just went to Friday's and called up Rose and had ourselves a good time. Yeah the pictures are dark. :(

Mer

Mer.

I'm tired.

My AAA batteries died. I'm going to have to go to CVS to get some. I want my discount.

Fourth year will be the death of me. Sweet.

Let's Get This in Before 12

So today was not as early a day as the rest of them are. I had tutoring this morning from 9:30-11. That was kind of wack. But whatever. Afterwards, I did my 11-12 workout. Yay.

Then I had to call RCN to change my internet plan. The promo ended, and I have to pay $53+ this month! Ugh. So I changed it to the 1.5MBPS speed from the 5MBPS. I don't think I'll see much of a difference. However, I also don't know when they're actually going to change it. "Shonda" said that I wouldn't have to do anything. She had a strong southern accent.

Anyway, had class til about 5ish. Came back here. I sort of accomplished very little. Then Missy called me. We sort of studied. Therapeutics just plains sucks. It's going to be hard. I have to get back on track.

I'm doing well with my diet and exercise I guess. I need to go buy some more fruit and whole wheat bread. And keep drinking water. I want this so bad this time. I have to focus on both school, work, and my health. The social life is on the back burner right now. Mer.

<3 Pharmacy school...