I'm Putting my Foot Down

I'm going to make my goal of losing weight by my birthday. My 21st birthday.

I want to be at least a 34 waist and 170 lbs.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to tell you how much I have to lose to make that goal... haha.

But for real. That is my number one. I absolutely hate being fat. I really do.

I Still Don't Know

This was taken on Christmas Morning at St. Paul's Church in Burlington. This is where I saw Caitlin! We sang for the mass at 9am. It was early.

Anyhow, I'm still in a weird place right now. I don't know what to do. I made the call, but no answer. I don't know. Someone give me the answers.

I ran today, thinking the route I was taking was 2.5 miles both ways. However, the road is 2.5 miles long, not back and forth. So I ended up running 5 miles today in 40 minutes. I was thinking to myself, "oh my God I'm so out of shape! Why is this taking so long?!" And that's when I realized it was 2.5 miles one way. So yeah. I finally ran.

I don't want to start classes again yet. I haven't really touched my drug cards since I got home. I did more after finals in my apartment.

I'm so lost.

Emoagro? What does that even mean?

Why can't someone just give me all the answers - to life, to love, to health, to relationships, to friendships, to everything? I feel like everything would be so much easier... then again, I wouldn't grow at all and I'd probably end up stuck up, alone, and everyone hating me... Hmm.

But still, I just feel like "why can't things just be easier?" and "Why is life so hard?" These are the questions everyone is asking, and no one can answer it except for themselves. For truth.

I still need to fix things with a certain special someone. I need to do my part. I need to call my friends back. I need to get up on my drug cards. I need to go running. I just want to be happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? And I just want everyone else in my life to be happy as well. Because when they aren't happy, I surely am not...

I want to be successful at everything I do. To try my best, and if I don't succeed, it's not the end of the world - I would just have to get up on that horse and ride again towards the sun...

Thinking

Here I am at home for Christmas Break. Things haven't been spectacular yet, but things haven't been bad either.

It's just that I've been doing a lot of thinking. About life. It's weird. I'm at a weird place right now.

There are definitely some areas in life where I am not completely experienced. I haven't experienced love yet. Relationships are a whole different world to me.

That leads me to say that I have some things to think about. Hence this entry.

Sigh...

standstill traffic.

I hate finals. I feel like crap right now and of course I'm studying because I have 4 finals to study for. It kind of really sucks.

As you can see I'm drinking some energy drinks. First of the semester. I also have some yummy Stop & Shop brand graham crackers covered in chocolate. Yes bitch.

But anyway I have my Pharmaceutics final exam tomorrow and right now studying is going shitty. And then tomorrow it's studying most of the night (probably 3 or 4 am again) to study for this patho exam I'm (hopefully) not going to fail. Ugh.

I miss AIM. I haven't been online since last week. Someone send me encouraging texts or voicemails if I don't answer.

Thankssss.....
shoot me.

Guess Where I Am?

Yep you guessed it... the library. It sucks. First final tomorrow. I feel like crap. I just took an Advil b/c my head hurts and I feel so sucky. First med I've taken in a while.

I'm so scared for my finals. Someone send me an encouraging text, like "you can do it!" and corny shit like that. Yes, it's corny but it gives me a smile. Little random stuff like that make me happy.

Goodbye.

<3 from my new home, library #1.

I'm Scared

Finals are next week already and I'm scared. I did bad on the last Patho. I'm not sure if I already wrote this on the previous entry but I'm too lazy to check it. But yeah. It's hit me big time now and I'm scared for the rest of my exams.

The Home Stretch. Yikes.

Two more weeks = one more week of classes + one week of finals.
Oh joy.

I just found out my grade for the last exam I took for Patho. I did bad... ugh. Which means I need to kill these finals. All of them. All five. FIVE finals. Great.

I have my Social Psych Final this Thursday. At least that one will be over after then.

It snowed today. It was freezing yesterday.

I love Starbucks.
Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha. Try it if you haven't.

The end. I need to go study more.

Doodling is Therapy

I'm sitting here in the room for Social Psych half an hour early. It's lovely. I feel like shit though. I went to the luncheon. Free food. Then I went to Emmanuel Lib to study, where I felt even more icky.

I doodled (as you can see). I don't even really care for this presentation. It's called "almost read everything straight from the slide." That's how much I'm caring right now. Fuck it.

I need to study more Patho but I just want to be a fatty and eat some food. Yesterday I didn't even realize until 12am that I didn't eat anything substantial, just junk food. Chips, dry cereal. I at least had two apples. Maybe I'll go to Boloco and get a large Teriyaki. That's always good. Or the galleria... McDonald's? Ugh. Who knows. Now I'm hungry and class doesn't even start for another 20 minutes. And we go until 6:15. Hopefully we'll finish early.

This really is crunch time. I'm either at class or at a library. Fuck.

*YAWN*

I'm so fucking sleepy. Ugh. I had a dream that I was studying Patho/Physio! Wtf! So it seemed like I wasn't sleeping at all.

Anyway, I have the Phonathon Luncheon thing to go to (free food), and then off to study more. Then I have my presentation in Social Psych to do. I don't really care about it, I'm just going to read off the slides/not completely. Trudi does not care. Then it's studying, studying, studying my life away. I have lab tomorrow morning at 8 too. Shit.

Gbye.

Good Morning.

It's Hump day! But not really. Everyday is a Monday.

I really wanted Dunkin Donuts earlier... like a breakfast sandwich and coffee. However, I can't spend money. So I'm going to heat up one of those single breakfast sausage patties that is like 1 inch in diameter? Whatever, and make coffee and bring it in my metal thing.

I don't know why I'm having trouble with IPEP. I feel like if I had a job at a pharmacy, it wouldn't be a problem. But of course, it is. Which is why I'm looking for a job after finals. I need money, and the experience will help me greatly. Drugs cannot be the wall that blocks me; it's what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life.

Le sigh.


That is my door.

Stagnant

Nothing new. Just school. And exams. And projects. And FINALS in two weeks! :X eep.

This week I'll probably have the IPEP pop quiz on Wednesday. I also have my Social Psych presentation on Thursday. We have yet to meet up. There's also that luncheon on Thursday as well. Friday I have lab and it also is the 4th Physio/Patho exam. I need to do well. Saturday is the COF Chorus concert, doing the Messiah, part one, and then Hallelujah Chorus.

Other things, I don't know. I don't like this weird place I'm in right now. Eckh.

Also, time to lose weight.

I don't want Type II diabetes mellitus.

Back at HOME

Well, yes, I'm back in Boston. I really feel like I should've just stayed here and studied. I could've gotten some chicken legs and roasted it, Stove Top stuffing, boxed mashed potatoes, packet gravy, a can of whipped cream and a pumpkin pie, and I could've been a fatty here. Indeed. Oh well.

I got home and had to paint and move furniture. Because we had all the windows in my house replaced with new ones (it was about time) so they decided to paint the living room, which they had done last week. So when I got home it was time for the dining room. And that is what I was doing. I don't even remember where my time went. These past couple of days have gone by so fast.


See? We had to repaint the ceiling white and then we painted the walls the "Ocean Kiss."


As you can see in the above picture, this is my dining room. This is how it was on Thanksgiving Day. We ate in our kitchen with everything on the table. It was fine, I guess.

In the below picture is part of my living room. As you can see we now have bay windows, which I really like. But yes, see everything that was in there while we worked in the dining room?
I got to watch Legally Blonde: the Musical on MTV while we were painting. I liked it. I especially like the song "Chip On My Shoulder," which I am listening to right now. It is inspiring me.

Here are some lyrics from it...

"There's a chip on my shoulder
And it's big as a boulder
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven as hell

I'm so close I can taste it
So I'm not gonna waste it
Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder
You might wanna get one as well"

This is what we had last night, which we did not properly make. It was too icy, which caused it to melt, and not keep slushly form. I was basically the only one who drank this because Monette and Mariel came over and we played a new board game we got. So we watched TV shows online and ate Taco Bell like the fatties we are. I hate being fat. They are enablers. :P

the world's best webcam

this was crazy.

What A Shitty Thanksgiving

It's true. The only thing I probably gained in these past couple of days is the fact that I don't want to be fat anymore. Anyway...

So I come home to a house with furniture all around because they decided to paint the living room and dining room after we had all the windows in our house replaced. That is what I've been doing since I've been home. I did not come home to do this stuff. I wanted a break. Ugh. Oh well. Fuck.

I only saw Rachel and Gillian. We had dessert at Fridays with a waiter who seemed very attentive to me for some reason. I don't know?

I haven't even had time to study like I planned. I'm already leaving Saturday morning. There's only tomorrow left, Friday, and I'm supposed to be out all day with my sister, then come home to put up the damn Christmas tree. Ugh, I should have stayed in Boston like I originally planned on doing. Whatevers. I hate the bitching and stupid yelling of my family.

I'd probably rather be alone and away from people that make it seem even worse to be who you are. We'll see what I do for Christmas and New Year's. I do have my apartment. I don't have to come home. I could just stay there alone and starve myself in the cold and maybe, just maybe actually lose weight.

I didn't even get to see Heather. She's probably the only person I really wanted to see this break. I feel like shit right now.

I didn't even wear my dressy clothes that I brought home today. Because instead, I was wearing my "painting clothes" from here all day. I haven't changed all day. Mother fucker.

Wow. Reflection.

I was just reading some of my old entries on here. Wow, have I changed. But not really. I've definitely changed in my academic habits. Of course I had to. I would not still be here at MCPHS if I didn't.

Anyway, back in high school, people would think that I would be "studying" all the time. Instead, I was either A) stuffing my face, B) watching television, or C) on the computer doing hours of nothing. I guess I fooled everyone. I don't see how I passed with B's and B+'s. In retrospect, however, I remember being mad about my grades. Then again, it was my fault. Looking back, if I had the mindset back then that I have now, I could've gotten straight A's. High school seems so much easier now than this all of this college stuff. I mean, you had homework grades to factor in! Here, it's just a # of exams and a final. Nothing else counts. So you really need to work and learn how to study. You really find out what works for you.

Anyhow, I really do have to go now and study. I'm not lying anymore. :P

I cannot wait for after Monday. I'm leaving quite early Tuesday morning. I'm so excited.
Thanksgiving. And turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes. Oh! and monkey bread. Mmm.

Procrastinating...

That is my Physiology/Pathophysiology professor and his family.

"So that's why he's all up on the Japanese-y..."

This is a picture from my sister... Oh, look! It's the Quiznos Sub I worked at during the summer...

Waiting to Get Into Lab...

That's my lab. It's about 8 o clock and here I am waiting to get in. I'm usually the first one here waiting like a geek ten minutes before and then everyone else starts to roll in.

I've got class afterwards this and then it's studying for the entire weekend again... AND getting ready to go home... buying my bus ticket and packing.

Later.

One More Exam Before A Short Break

I've become fond of blogging on my phone. I mean it does have a full keyboard. Why not?

Lately, I've really been feeling alone (as stated in my previous entry.) I still have one more exam to get through before I can take that 7 hours or longer total time trip home. At least it'll be a break. I really need it. :(

Even my friends and such just do things that sort of indicate "I don't care about you that much." So I pretty much accept that fact and don't really bother anyone when I feel like talking...

Oh well.

I need to shower and study.

Concert is tonight. 8am lab tomorrow morning.

Ugh. Then a weekend full of studying for Monday morning's exam.

I just want to play my violin in the park or something. For my own enjoyment, and if anyone else wanted to listen in they would be more than welcomed...

I'm really not feeling school and studying right now. I'm itching just to take a break from it and all of these exams.

I also have tons on my mind, yet it sucks because I have no one to dish it out to. And those that I feel that I could are busy or others will tell me to shut the fuck up and stop whining. I need a therapist. I'd much rather pay someone to listen to my bitching without them telling me otherwise because it's their job.

Ugh. Someone cheer me up. I need it.

Make me smile and I'll bake you cookies. Well not really, but it's the thought that counts right?

Also, I hate being fat, my left eye, and my teeth. Three things that hinder me and cause low self-esteem.

Life right now sucks.
And I'm probably going to be alone the rest of my life.

Once again, someone cheer me up.

Norwood Middle School Fight Posted on You Tube

Kids these days are getting more and more reckless. I hate it.

What's the use of fighting? You're going to keep going until something serious happens? Murder?

They don't think of what the consequences will be. I hope those other girls were expelled or greatly disciplined.

It's What I Want

But unfortunately, can't have for a while... I'm brokes. I really, really want those holiday drinks! Eggnog latte... peppermint mocha... and that other one. Hah, I can't think of it right now. But they are all good. Eggnog latte is my favorite.

Maybe when I go home for Thanksgiving, I'll pick up a carton of eggnog. Non-alcoholic of course.

Le Sigh... Again.

It's November 9th already. Well, the 10th, because today is almost over. Where the hell did my time go?

I have 3 (three) exams before Thanksgiving.
Biochem - Monday
Pathophys - Wednesday
Pharmaceutics - Next Monday

I think I'm going to go home on Tuesday. Meaning I will be skipping Trudi's class. I'll have to tell her. So if I go home on Tuesday, then I'll have until Saturday. I'll be coming back Saturday.

Ugh. I cannot wait until then. But three exams block my path. SIGH.

In other news, something happened to me that has changed me. For the better. I've learned from it. But never will it come out. At least for a couple years.

I'm eating Cheddar and Broccoli soup. It came in powder form, and all I had to do was boil water, add the soup, and stir for 10 minutes. It made one half of a gallon! Yikes. I guess I'm going to be eating soup for the rest of the weekend (which by the way, I had off today, for observance of Veteran's. BUT as I stated earlier, I have an exam Monday, so I do have classes.)


Anyway, I hate money. I really do. Everything requires money. And prices just keep going up for those essential things: food, shelter, clothes. Although I'm not buying clothes because I don't need them... but food and rent. Those are ongoing things. Meh. :/